When we have experienced major trauma in our life especially as a child, we can lose our identity or the person we were created to be. We will make decisions based on who we “think” we should be and not who are were “created” to be. It’s so easy for us to “lose ourselves.”
We will do things to “fit in” and be accepted even if it’s against our desires or our heart. I did this most of my younger life. I had truly lost myself.
Recently, I was reviewing some of my past journals looking for something I wrote a few years ago. I wanted to refresh my memory on that specific writing. Interestingly, I came across this statement I wrote many years ago during a difficult time of my life.
This is what I wrote:
I liked Lawrence Welk – not Alice Cooper or the Beatles. I was thinking of that just now as I was thinking how sad I feel because I’m lonely.
Frankly, I’ve been lonely all my life. Right now, I’m back full circle to that place of loneliness. A part of me wants to rekindle a relationship with Sally Ann (name changed). But I realized it’s because I’m lonely and I’m trying to fill that void of loneliness with Sally Ann. That relationship was not healthy.
It’s time to deal with my loneliness and not go to the Alice Cooper concert but to go and listen to Lawrence Welk. It’s time to ask the Lord to heal that loneliness and fill that void with His presence and stop having friends that aren’t who I should be with. Stop having boyfriends or spouses who aren’t who I should be with. Stop keeping my life out of balance by working so much – deal with the loneliness.
Allow the Lord to heal those fragmented parts of my soul and get on the path He has always had for me.
This was a turning point for me.
Back in my younger years I was not into “rock and roll” music. I truly loved classical music. I loved the beauty of the dancers on the Lawrence Welk show but if I expressed that, I wouldn’t fit in … or so I thought. So, I had to become who everyone else was. I had to like what everyone else liked. Being “me” was not something I felt comfortable doing. I felt different from everyone around me, and I did not think “different” was good. What a lie I believed.
Changes I began to make in my life
Reading that revelation in my journal was a great reminder of the change I began to make in my life. That was a powerful time for me because I did take the pain in my heart to the Lord for healing and as always, healing I received. I have worked at being the person God created me to be since then and have removed those in my life that are not healthy for me. Do I hate them? No. But do they uplift, encourage and accept me for who I am? If the answer was no, then it was time to move away. It was a very freeing time.
Do you have a grasp as to who you were created to be, or do you try to be all things to many different people? Loneliness is hard … no denying that. But what I came to realize is, “I’d rather be by myself and lonely, then be with someone and be lonely.” It was very HARD to be married all those years and feel the depth of loneliness.
Think about who are in your circle of friends (and family). Are those relationships healthy? Do they enhance your life, and do you enhance theirs? Sometimes we have lived with dysfunction for so long that we don’t even realize how dysfunctional it is.
Recently I was with a friend who was trying to navigate getting together with a family member and the chaos this family member was creating was making my head spin and I told my friend that. My friend said to me, “I guess I’m just used to dealing with it.” It was a true but sad statement.
I read this statement once and not sure where it came from, but I thought it was interesting.
“Trying to live as anyone but yourself is confusing and annoying. Also,your life is in the hands of the guy who packed the parachute.”
Don’t let someone else pack your parachute. If you are not living your true self, perhaps it’s time to say “no more … I want my life back.” You can do it because you are worth it. Life needs the authentic you. Not a fake you. Make the decision today to be you and go pack your own parachute.
Your Spiritual Life & Health Coach … believing in you!